Who Else Wants to SAVE Her Marriage?

Marriage is one of life’s lovelies. It’s been around forever and is so woven into our lives, that we hardly give it a second thought.

Am I an expert? You bet. And why?

Because this year, 2020, I will be married for 48 years.

TO THE SAME MAN.

Picture of Alice & Bob married in 1972

Impossible, you say! No. It isn’t. And if I have done it, so can you. And don’t think I’m one of those old lady fuddy-duddy’s who sits in my rocking chair all day with a cat in my lap, knitting little doll clothes for my grandchildren. I do have a rocking chair and grandchildren, but no cat. Two dogs who I walk twice a day every day.

I was married in 1972 when I was two days out from my 21st birthday. Young, very young. But, it was what you did back in the day. You married young. And that went for the young man you were marrying, too. Like I said before, if I have done it, so can you.

Let me tell you how

I can give you better advice than any psychologist, psychiatrist, marriage counselor or priest (honestly, what does a priest know about being married?!), because I’ve been living it for the past 48 years. The good, the bad, and the ugly. (Yes, there is ugly in marriage.)

Marriage comes with no more secrets than any other aspects of your life. Only good common-sense rules that applied way back when, and should still apply today.

Let me see if I get this right

You work full-time. Or maybe you have two jobs. Either way, you’re busy. Every day. Then when you come home, there’s a family to take care of, a house to keep clean, pets to notice, bills to pay, permission slips to sign, dinner to cook, laundry to fold, babysitters to pay, your kid’s homework to review, activities to run your children to, food shopping, checking email and staying connected to family and friends.

The weekends can be solidly booked; with sports or Scouts or day trips to just about anywhere. Then when you get home and haul everything in from the car or SUV to be put away or washed, it’s time to start the whole gig over again tomorrow.

I’ve been there, done that.

In between, you might be picking up some bad vibes from a close friend about what’s going on in her marriage. She may complain to you that her husband works all the time or never seems interested in anything but watching baseball or football on TV. And isn’t it all too easy, to start complaining about what’s “wrong” in your marriage?

Bad choice #1. And there are other bad choices to follow.

Look, I can’t possibly know what your life looks like, what goes on in your daily life, or how bad things could be between you and your spouse. All I can offer you is some solid advice on how to keep the anniversaries coming year after year.

So, let me give you some simple advice. Some rules to think about when it comes to your marriage. After all, your marriage came first, then your kids, your house, your pets, your crazy life. Not necessarily in that order. But, you get it.

Rules for a Happy Marriage

Talk to each other

And I don’t mean by text-messaging all day through. Yes, there is a time for that, but once you both are together, there needs to be COMMUNICATION back and forth. That’s why dinner-time is so important. Especially when your kids are little. It’s a time to come together as a family and just talk as a family. No outsiders, no gossip, no phone calls allowed.

Good conversation has fallen away, a lot like letter writing. When I was in school, it was the neatest thing to pass notes to your best friend while traveling through the halls between classes. Passing notes was better than email!

And here is something to take major note of: if you like to yell and scream and snipe at your spouse,

STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

It will get you absolutely nowhere. Your spouse will simply stop talking to you. And why should they, when all you do is to bark out orders all day long. Not smart. And if this is because you saw your mother do this, don’t follow suit. YOUR marriage is your marriage; make it a good one.

In order for a marriage to sustain itself, it runs on the people who are in it. You and your spouse owe it to each other to always talk to one another. When you’re married, it’s what you do. Yes, there are days that are bad days, or sad days, or very challenging days; we all have them and there’s more waiting in future. But, isn’t it nice to know you don’t have to go through life alone? You did marry for love, didn’t you?

Quote on Joy

Make time for each other

This may be a standing monthly date night. Or seeing a new movie once in a while. Maybe you enjoy eating out occasionally even if it’s just the hole-in-the-wall eatery in town that serves up the best hamburgers. DON’T take your friends along. This is just YOUR time together.

You may have an evening prayer time or read-to-the-kids time or read-to-each-other time. Those Kindle books are free or cheap. In fact, the best things in life ARE free. 🙂

Never do separate vacations

I’ve heard of these and think it’s ridiculous. If you vacation at all, (and many people can’t afford to do that), do it together. As a family. Where the two of you get to set the rules and the agendas. You don’t need to fulfill your inner teenager by going on a long weekend “with the girls”. It’s just silly and you’re married.

I know many couples have separate bank accounts and credit cards and again, that’s something we never did. It just wasn’t that important to keep everything separate but equal. That’s up to you.

Don’t let TV and Social Media Take Over Your Life

Love those shopping channels? Don’t you already have a closetful of shoes and boots, and cookbooks and kitchen gadgets that you could open up your own store with! Stop it, already. Totally a waste of money. When you listen to those personalities telling you you MUST buy this item because it’s limited and won’t be back anytime soon, don’t believe it. Will putting yourself in debt a little deeper, really make you happier?

Couples fight about money all the time. In fact, that’s probably the #1 reason for fights. Usually one spouse is the saver and the other is the spender. So, coming up with real plans and goals for your family is what you should be doing. NOT buying something else.

I know people who seem to have a hand that includes their phone. An added appendage, you could say. They never put the dang thing down! How CAN you look at a device all day, every waking hour? Don’t you have other things to do? Wouldn’t you want to do other things. ?????

Pretty knitted washcloths

The happiest people I know are those who work with their hands. Crafters. Gardeners. Homesteaders. People who put things together. You know, potters, knitters, painters, woodworkers, carpenters, crocheters, needlepointers, et cetera.

Years ago, there was a PBS show on called The Woodwright’s Shop. Roy Underhill, who was its host,  has to be one of the happiest people I’ve ever seen! And you know why?

Because he works with his hands. Creating beautiful things; furniture, knick-knacks, Americana. He always seemed so CONTENT to be doing just what he was doing. Of course nowadays, we have those crazy cooking shows where everyone has to come up with award-winning menus in 30 minutes or less and then are JUDGED by the experts. This is no way to live, folks!

Making time for crafting, whatever that may be, takes time. And of course you’re saying to me, “but I have no extra time now!”

Do something besides LOOK AT YOUR PHONE ALL DAY!

THIS is my biggest beef. I have a smartphone, tablets, a laptop, and all the little accessories that go with them. I enjoy listening to videos or music just as much as the next guy. I have twenty tabs open in Firefox and ten more in Chrome and my desktop is littered with all manner of pdfs and file folders I can’t live without.

I’ve learned how to navigate the Internet by myself, and have been doing so for 20 years. I create my own websites in WordPress and every word you read here is mine and mine alone. I freelance write on the side and love scrolling through social media just like you do, with one small difference.

I DON’T DO IT ALL DAY LONG

Two people "in love" looking only at their smartphones

Have you ever gone into a restaurant and watched a table of people who are sitting together but are all looking at their devices? Is that lunacy or what?! No one is talking to anyone else THERE. They are all communicating with unseen others! Are you kidding me, what could you POSSIBLY have to say now!

What is your life all about?

This is what YOU must decide. For you. And your husband or wife. How you speak to each other, how you treat each other, how you live with each other. Years ago a Maryknoll priest who was helping out at our parish said to us once, that too often when he counsels couples, each one will say to him, “but Father, I give my 50%, why can’t he/she do the same?”

And Father would say, “THAT’S the problem. It’s not 50% you give of yourself. It’s 100%.” You’re either all in or nothing at all. Make sense? (Father is right.)

Before you leave this page, do yourself a BIG favor. Take note of all these tips on how to make your marriage better. Take them to your spouse. Talk about them. Make some rules, set some limits, and start implementing some of them, or one of them,

TODAY!

They may sound old-fashioned, but remember, there really is nothing new under the sun. Life doesn’t have to be crammed to the hilt with junk. Simplify. Beautify.

Beautiful hydrangeas and roses in a basket

As always, just some good advice for

“Homekeeping Inspirations for Crafting Your Best Life!”


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