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I haven’t posted a post here since last July. It was a typical summer in NJ — very hot days and lots of rain — when out of the blue I woke up in the middle of the night with a pain in my back. A. Really. Bad. Pain.
This was the end of July and by the beginning of August there were ct scans, blood tests and a little something called a TURBT, which is a bladder resection procedure.
Turns out I had bladder cancer.
Didn’t see that coming. Wouldn’t have known about it either, if not for the pain in my right kidney. The doctor said it was advantageous to me that the pain reared its ugly head. I might not have known anything was wrong until much later. As it turned out, it was already Stage 2 muscle-invasive cancer. Very aggressive.
Then it was on to chemotherapy.
For three months, right up to Thanksgiving Day, I was in the throes of chemo. I wish I could tell you all that it wasn’t bad; actually that is true. It wasn’t bad — what it was was
the absolute WORST time of my life!
I lost my hair, was tired all the time, had no appetite, felt nauseous 24/7, and threw up a lot. Nothing can prepare you for what happens to your body. So, there I was day after day, just sitting and doing nothing. I had not the strength nor the energy to attempt anything. Except heading to the bathroom for another vomit session.
There was nothing I wanted to eat and all I wanted to do was drink. Water was toxic to me; every time I would try some, up it would come. So, I stuck with tea in the morning and juice all day long. I could only drink small amounts on any given day. All I can remember is that I felt like I had walked through Death Valley without a canteen. My thirst was outrageous.
All my knitting, all my posts yet to be written, all my “doing” on any given day, sat there, like so much tonnage that I couldn’t move. Just to look at a knitting needle or a dis-organized drawer or closet took every bit of energy (what little I had) right out of me. There was nothing I could do.
Each chemo infusion was worse than the one before. Twice my treatments were pushed back due to extremely low white blood cell counts. I went nowhere, saw no one, did nothing, and felt awful for weeks on end. By the time Thanksgiving Day rolled around, I was finally done with the chemo, but the effects last a long, long time.
I also knew that the week before Christmas I was scheduled for a radical cystectomy; major surgery to remove your bladder and all organs nearby. All of that was sent to the pathology lab for analysis and I nervously waited to hear what else had been found, if anything.
Would I still have to have more chemotherapy? Or radiation? Or something else?
On the last day of 2018, a Monday, my husband and I made the trip to Penn Medical, which is in Philadelphia. I had been seeing the urologist there and had been in HUP — the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania — for 6 days for the surgery.
The doctor’s PA (physician’s assistant) went over the pathology report and told me nothing else had been detected. No cancer. Anywhere.
It was a very good day!
It has taken weeks and weeks to feel better again, and there are still issues I am dealing with. The fatigue is mostly gone, as is the nausea and vomiting and my hair is growing back, but ever so slowly. For the longest time the chemo killed my seasonal allergy symptoms entirely; but since the beginning of February they’ve been back with a vengeance. I see the allergist this week to get all this mess straightened out.
About a month ago I picked up my knitting needles again and have thrown myself back into knitting projects which had been laying dormant for months. Here are some pictures of what I’m working on.
Aren’t they pretty colors! This was the first project I started once I felt I could actually hold knitting needles again. When you’re not feeling good, don’t even try. It’s a feather-and-fan stitch knitted up in the colors of your choice.
This scarf knit in a stitch called Crystal Chandelier was sitting bereft in my knitting basket for months. I rescued it just recently and it’s a lot longer than this already. The yarn is Loops & Threads Payette in Periwinkle Twinkle.
This is a blanket for shelter dogs. Yes, I’ve heard that some places don’t take them because they get caught up in dog and cat claws, but my house is filled with hand-knit blankets and afghans and my dogs have no problem sitting or laying on them. This yarn is very cheap, and is called Premier Yarns Puzzle
And here are a few more shelter blankets. These were knit in Premier Yarns bulky yarns and some stash yarn of my own. They knit up quickly and you can have a pile of blankets in just one month or so.
Here is another feather-and-fan project. Knit in Caron Simply Soft
I am so glad I am back on track
So you see, it’s always something. Sometimes you see it coming, sometimes you don’t have a clue as to what’s behind the curtain or around the corner. So, treasure each day and everyone in your life who means something to you. Take time out to be kind, and be patient.
That is the one thing I learned most of all. Patience IS a virtue.
That second half of 2018 was the hardest time in my life. Nothing prepares you for cancer. Nothing prepares you for the unknowns, for all the questions, for what may be coming this year. I do not know.
None of us do. I couldn’t celebrate my birthday and anniversary in October, Thanksgiving in November, nor Christmas Day. I wasn’t able to go to my niece’s wedding in September nor to my mother-in-law’s wake and funeral a few weeks after that. My family gathered round but I was too weak still to be of any use to anyone. My husband did everything for me and for our household all those weeks.
Now, I feel mostly back to normal and THANK GOD it is so. My dogs will tell you, they missed their Mommy when I was gone for a week, and I couldn’t wait to get back home again.
I am forever grateful to my husband Bob, my children, Stephanie, Rob and Lisa (my DIL), grand daughters, Julia and Marisa, family near and far and classmates who remembered me all through some very dark days.
I am looking forward to getting back to regular postings and there’s lots to talk about with Spring just around the corner. I’ve been re-organizing rooms and going through old clothes, books and linens in order to catch up with my life.
But, one day at a time. One step after another. It will all fall into place. I know I’m not in control. And that’s perfectly alright with me. Wouldn’t have it any other way.
Just another way to
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